Facebook clickbait – it must work.

On my mobile device, since FB Purity doesn’t work on handhelds, I have to scroll through a lot of real garbage – often every other post is “sponsored.”

Here’s a sample of things I’ve seen just in the last few days.

Screenshot_2017-10-17-12-39-47Screenshot_2017-10-17-12-40-25Screenshot_2017-10-17-12-41-05Screenshot_2017-10-17-12-41-27Screenshot_2017-10-17-12-43-51Screenshot_2017-10-17-12-45-00Screenshot_2017-10-17-12-47-44Screenshot_2017-10-17-17-00-29Screenshot_2017-10-18-09-54-44Screenshot_2017-10-18-09-59-10Screenshot_2017-10-21-03-57-48

Obviously clickbait works, or companies wouldn’t do it – but it’s so annoying to see all these hackneyed “you won’t belive” and “this will shock you” attention-grabbers. The other part, of course, is that most of these articles are relatively valueless anyway, either [bad] opinion pieces or poorly-compiled lists.

It makes browsing Facebook on a mobile a less-than-fulfilling experience. I wish FB Purity were available for my Android, it really cleans things up on the desktop version.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

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MAD™ Memories Department – Commercial Roulette

From Mad™ Magazine issue 59, December 1960, comes one of my favorite features. While the illustrations are intended to be humorous, the text is lifted from real commercials that aired during the era.

Commercial breaks were rigorously timed back in those days, so it was difficult to spin the dial during a break and find a program instead of another ad.

Click the images for larger versions; Artist, Bob Clarke. Writer, Gary Belkin.

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The Old Wolf has spoken.

 

Watch that fine print

spectrum

Wow, TV + Internet +Voice, $29.99! That certainly grabs the attention.

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“Each.” That means the total price is about 90 bucks. Hmm, not such a great deal after all. And “Standard rates apply after 1 year,” says the teeny-tiny print on the back.

This is not exclusive to Spectrum – pull just about any flyer out of your mailbox or newspaper, and you’ll be likely to see something similar. Sales, marketing, and advertising – three industries that drive our economy, and all dependent on

  • persuasion
  • puffery
  • deception, and
  • outright fraud.

It’s scary, and except for the last one, it’s almost 100% legal.

1. Persuasion – the key to your wallet

Let’s look at the key points from Influence: the Psychology of Persuasion by Robert Cialdini:

  • Reciprocation: Consider the in-store wine tasting, or the free scone at the coffee shop. We think we’re coming out on top, but the expectation to give back is strong within us, and leads us to buy something.
  • Consistency: We like to see ourselves as consistent souls with unwavering beliefs. So if you ask me to publicly declare my devotion to animal rights, for example, I’m more likely to donate money to PETA later.
  • Authority: Four out of five dentists recommend using the reassuring gloss of authority to sell this toothpaste.
  • Social Validation: Rugged individualist fantasies aside, we are more likely to do something if we see that many other people like us have also done it.
  • Scarcity: Anyone who has grabbed a plain, overpriced t-shirt from another’s hands at a “one-day-only” sale understands how persuasive limited-time and limited-quantity offers are.
  • Liking: If you like someone, you are more likely to say “yes” to her request. If she is pretty, you’re even more likely. And if she compliments you, well, that works, too.

The book goes into great detail about how marketers invoke the “click, whirr” response in us, but this is the core of the book. Ironically, it can be read either as a consumer guide or a training manual for salespeople!

But you see these techniques in place everywhere. JC Penney tried ditching frequent sales for “everyday low pricing” and it didn’t work. People like sales. Never mind that a sweater that’s marked $39.95 today, and goes on sale tomorrow at $42.95 (slashed from $79.95!) is more expensive “on sale” that it was yesterday, people will buy it because a) they have short memories, b) they’re not savvy shoppers, and c) it was on sale!!!

Need to pop into the grocery store for a gallon of milk or a loaf of bread? They are likely in the farthest corner of the store, so you have to walk by everything else to get there. High-profit items are carefully placed at convenient height, and the location of goods is regularly rotated to keep shoppers off balance – the longer you’re in the store searching for things, the more you’ll buy. Most items in grocery flyers are not “on sale” – they’re just there to make you think they are. Colors, smells, relaxing music and clever signage (“Only $1.00” – even though it’s always just been a dollar) add to the myriad ways stores try to part you from your cash.

2. Puffery – Marketing’s license to lie.

In law, puffery is a promotional statement or claim that expresses subjective rather than objective views, which no “reasonable person” would take literally. (Wikipedia.)

Thanks to the machinations of countless generations of attorneys, advertisers are free to say pretty much what they want about their products. The claims made via puffery may be patently false, but they are “not really lies” because they can’t be disproved. “The World’s Best Hot Dog” is an unassailable statement because no “reasonable person” could be expected to believe it, and it can be neither proved nor disproved, being a completely subjective statement – and puffery creates no express warranty or guarantee for the consumer. Some examples of puffery include:

  • Meals fit for a king!
  • Our mattresses are softer than a cloud!
  • Better ingredients, better pizza!
  • The Best Coffee in Town!
  • Lose Weight Fast!

If something is demonstrably false – i.e. “nature’s perfect food” can be challenged by science – then it’s probably punishable by law. Opinions, however, are not statements of fact.

3. Deception

Hall of Shame Advertisement

My favorite deceptive ad of all time, which I have referenced before. This is the crown jewel of shameful advertising. If you strip away all the puffery, this ad says “Buy our rabbit ears – they’re prettier!” But every statement in the ad can be interpreted in more than one way, and taken together (by someone who’s not especially sophisticated) they imply some incredible technological breakthrough at a dirt-cheap price.

Advertising restrictions were not as stringent a generation ago:

The jingle in this retro ad is a bit different from the one I remember:

If you want shoes with lots of pep, get Keds, kids, Keds.
For bounce and zoom in every step, get Keds, kids, Keds.
Those shock-proof arches can’t be beat
They sure are great for growing feet
You’ll be a champion athlete!
Keds, kids, Keds.

Equally bad was this ad for Kellogg’s Apple Jacks from the 60s:

“A bowl a day keeps the bullies away!” How many kids begged their moms for a box of this cereal, only to find that they got slammed into the lockers just as hard the next day?

If you want deceptive advertising, just head for the nutritional supplement industry. I take these people to task at every opportunity, as I recently did with ProBioSlim. I made the manufacturer so mad that I actually got my first cease-and-desist letter, out of which came precisely nothing.

4. Outright Fraud

Frankly, I feel like most affiliate-marketer-sponsored nutritional or weight-loss products are criminally fraudulent; just type “snake oil” in the search bar of this blog for myriad examples. But in this section I mention a few cases that actually spawned legal action and forced advertisers to change course.

  • In 2014, Red Bull paid $13 million to settle a class-action suit because it claimed “Red Bull Gives You Wings.”
  • In 2010, Kellogg claimed Rice Krispies could boost your immune system. In 2011. Kellogg agreed to pay $2.5 million to affected consumers, as well as donating $2.5 million worth of Kellogg products to charity.

  • New Balance was accused of false advertising in 2011 over a sneaker range that it claimed could help wearers burn calories. Nope. In 2012, New Balance agreed to pay a settlement of $2.3 million.
  • Lumos Labs: In January 2016, the makers of popular brain-training app Luminosity were fined $2 million by the FTC for deceptive advertising, claiming that the app could help prevent Alzheimer’s disease, among other things.

  • In the 1990s, the “Airborne” herbal supplement was everywhere. It claimed to hold off harmful bacteria and germs, preventing everyday ailments like the flu and common cold. The claims ended in a class-action lawsuit involving over $30 million in settlement payments.

Puffery is one thing, outright lies are another. While the FTC and the FDA are underfunded and overburdened, they do their best to protect the consumer from fraud and abuse wherever they can.

Ultimately, caveat emptor along with a healthy dose of skepticism, social awareness, and a willingness to do the necessary research is the consumer’s best defense against fraudulent advertising practices.

As usual, be careful out there.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Marketing by Deception Redux

I’ve written about deceptive marketing practices before, notably here and here. Finding people who are willing to ascribe to ethical business practices is a challenge in this world, and in marketing and advertising the phenomenon is well-nigh absent.

Here’s an example of an egregious bait-and-switch ad I received in the mail last week (click images to enlarge)

Deception Front

Deception Back

Now, before we go any further, some will already be shouting “But it’s a car dealership! What do you expect?” Yes, well, more about that later, but let’s look at the flyer in question.

The front clearly states,

“If the number you scratched off matches to any of the prize numbers, you have definitely won! Proceed immediately to Tucker Chevrolet to confirm and collect your prize.”

You’ll see that the scratched-off number matches the $250.00 prize in my case. I’m not a fool – I had no real illusions that I had won anything of value, but I went down the rabbit hole to see how the game is played.

And, as it turns out – as in so many instances – the large print giveth, and the small print taketh away. Look on the back, and you’ll see this:

If the number printed next to your name in the address panel of this mailer matches exactly to the winning number on the prize board at the sales event, Setp. 27 – Oct. 2, 2017, then you win the prize that matches your number. The number you scratched off does not give you a choice, but an opportunity to win a prize. (Odds of winning grand prize of $25,000 cash 1:499,999. Odds of winning 60″ HDTV (value $499) 1:499,999. Odds of winning $25,000 cash 1:499,999. Odds of winning $1000 cash 1:499, 999. Odds of winning $250 Walmart card 1:499,999. Odds of winning five dollar want Walmart card 499,995:499,999.

In plain English, you’re walking out of there with a five-buck Walmart card, unless you’re the kind of person that regularly wins the lottery. I’d love to see a reddit AMA from someone who actually scored the grand prize in one of these “giveaways.”

The bold text in the disclaimer above seems to directly contradict the blaring statement on the front of the mailer, but it should be noticed that “you have definitely won” does not specify what you have won. The mind, however, fills in the gaps and brings you down to the dealership, which is the whole point.

The salesman who showed me the board, patronizingly explained to me that I was not a large prize winner, and handed me my $5.00 Walmart card “so you don’t walk away with nothing” indicated that he’d like a chance to earn my business whenever I wanted to trade in my Prius.

Odds of earning my business at a dealership that resorts to such deceptive advertising: 0:7,571,086,556 (number changes continually).

For all the good that car dealerships do – sponsoring Little League teams, funding scholarships for disadvantaged children, donating vehicles to first responders, paying their taxes and flying big flags, people generally have an unfavorable opinion of auto dealers, both used and new. And that reputation is deserved, even though some are better than others. There are just too many rotten apples in the barrel for the entire industry to clean up its own act.

Car sales is a business where the goal is to make the sale, get the commission, get the customer to agree to as many worthless add-ons as possible, buy the gold service contract, use dealer financing at the highest possible rate (if you manage to score 0%, you know they’re making money on unadvertised holdbacks or something else that you can’t see), and if the customer is really stupid, go for the lease option.

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There are too many hungry salesmen and sales managers out there, some of whom would make Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross look like Miss Julie from Romper Room. Ethics isn’t even in their vocabulary. And based on the kind of advertising campaign we’re discussing, it doesn’t really seem to have a presence in corporate boardrooms either.

“But it’s just advertising, nobody really expects the truth!”

Well, yes. Yes, they do. I went into this little exercise with my eyes wide open, so coming away with a $5.00 Walmart gift card is actually more than I had expected. But I know there are many people who truly thought they had won something significant, and left feeling used and cheated – or, if they were really unlucky, with a new car.

TANSTAAFL: There’s no such thing as a free lunch. It’s good to remember, especially in the world of advertising. Be careful out there.

The Old Wolf has spoken.

Weight-loss fraud – still a multibillion dollar industry

With all the good food to eat in the world, compounded by reality shows about celebrity chefs and such things, it’s easy as pie to gain weight. (I see what I did there.) But getting it off is another matter.

Which is why the weight loss industry, including its concomitant multilevel marketing products, homeopathic remedies, and outright fraudulent garbage, is big business. Despite FTC actions trying to shut down fraudulent operators, everyone wants a slice of that pie, and in the wild-west environment of the Internet, it’s not hard to wet one’s beak.

I’ve written about fraudulent health products before, and I’m not likely to stop – as long as the scumbags are out there trying to get your money. People still want to lose weight, people are still looking for that “magic bullet” that will allow them to drop 8 dress sizes before their next reunion without any effort – like eating less food and exercising more – and the Internet is the perfect place for affiliate marketing cockroaches to lay their deceptive eggs.

Case in point – today, an ad seen on my mobile phone where I don’t have ad-blocking technology installed, otherwise I’d be very unlikely to see things like this at all:

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I went down the rabbit hole just to see who was offering what, and how the scam was presented:

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One Google search later and I had come up with a Snopes article from April 2017 relating to the same “report,” which never appeared on CNN and which was full of false and misleading claims.

Garbage like this is peddled by affiliate marketers, who will say anything and do anything to get your money and keep it. So clicking on that little ad took me to a page with one of those automatically-generated alphabet-soup URLs: http://purelytwinsblog.com/fitness/indexgg.php?gclid=CJ-Zl8qt19QCFQuSaQodmWUKsg, full of another whole raft of lies, misinformation and general bull pucky. The “limited time” info is, of course, today’s date. Hurry, supplies are limited [scarcity principle working there, folks.]

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If you want a free sample, you get taken to one of any number of affiliate web sites, one of which is seen below:

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Look how many “other people” are looking at this page right now! You may lose out! Hurry!

And here’s where you pay your slight fee for shipping, conveniently discounted.

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Simple, right? but at the bottom of that page is a link that says “Terms,” and by all that’s holy you had better read every word (I’ve replicated the entire agreement at the end of this entry, just for your reference. This document kept an attorney busy for quite a while.

Points of interest:

  1. Additionally, you will be automatically enrolled in our auto-shipment and auto-billing program which charges you for a 1 month supply every 30 days starting 30 days after your trial period ends at the low price of $94.19 per month. Thus, if you do not cancel your subscription, you will be billed $94.19 for your original product 14 days after the original order date, and then billed again $94.19 for a new shipment of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia 44 days after your original purchase date. You will be automatically billed and shipped a new product every 30 days until you cancel your subscription. [That’s one hell of an expensive “free trial.”BY PROCEEDING WITH THIS PURCHASE, I UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT THIS CONSUMER TRANSACTION INVOLVES A NEGATIVE OPTION, AND THAT I MAY BE LIABLE FOR PAYMENT OF FUTURE GOODS AND SERVICES UNDER THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT FOR $94.19 PER MONTH IF I FAIL TO NOTIFY THE SUPPLIER NOT TO SUPPLY THE GOODS OR SERVICES DESCRIBED.

    These “negative option” agreements are sleazy and unethical in my book. You should stay away from any company that tries to rope you in to one. A lot of people will not read these terms and conditions, and as a result may never get their money back, but if they click the “rush my sample” button, or whatever it says, they are certifying that they have done so.

  2. It will be very difficult for you to get a refund, and the “customer service agents” are very well-trained at deflecting requests for refunds.
  3. You cannot sue for damages – you agree to binding arbitration.
  4. You may not join a class-action suit against these people.

Be very, very careful out there. A huge percentage of ads you see on the Internet lead to websites just like this one, full of outright lies and deception. There’s only one way to lose weight, and that’s with a caloric deficit [eat less food and exercise more]. You should not be losing more than 1-2 pounds per week for a healthy weight release. There is no magic bullet or miracle pill, or substance, or liquid, or gel, or wrap, or anything. There’s just not.

The Old Wolf has Spoken.


Full Terms and Conditions Text

Terms and Conditions and Refund Policy

TERMS & CONDITIONS

LAST UPDATED: January 19, 2016

Contact Details

Contact customer service for any reason at 1-888-564-3218. Customer service is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with the exception of all major holidays.

Member User Agreement

You must read and agree to these Terms and Conditions before placing Your order for the 14 day Trial Offer of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia. By placing Your order for the 14 day Trial Offer of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia You agree to be bound by the following Terms and Conditions:

ATTENTION: This is a binding agreement between You, the person or entity agreeing to the terms contained in this document (I, You, Your or Customer), and Novel Health LLC, the makers of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia, and the owner and administrator of this Website and all content and functionality contained herein (Our, Us, or Company) (collectively, the Parties or We). These terms and conditions, as well as any additional terms, conditions and covenants referenced in or made available by hyperlink in this document (collectively, these Terms, Terms of Use or this Agreement), govern Your use of and access to this Website and any and all of its sub-pages (collectively, the Website).

ACCEPTANCE OF TERMS OF USE: By using, visiting, or browsing the Website, as well as placing an order with Novel Health, LLC through the Website or customer service center, You accept, without limitation or qualification, these Terms of Use and agree, without limitation, to the terms of Our Privacy Statement. If You do not agree to be bound by these Terms of Use and Privacy Statement, You should exit the Website immediately. By accessing, using or ordering products through the Website, You affirm that You have read this Agreement and understand, agree, and consent to all Terms contained herein.

These Terms of Use constitute the entire agreement between Novel Health, LLC and You, and supersedes all prior or contemporaneous agreements, representations, warranties, and understandings with respect to the Website, the content, products, or services provided by or through the Website, and the subject matter of these Terms of Use. This Agreement is intended to be governed by the Electronic Signatures in Global and National Commerce Act. You manifest Your agreement to the Terms in this document by any act demonstrating Your assent thereto, including clicking any button containing the words I Agree; Rush My Order; Submit or similar syntax, or by merely accessing the Website, whether You have read these terms or not. It is suggested that You print this form for Your personal records.

You further agree not to use or access the Website if doing so would violate the laws of Your state, province or country. At the bottom of this page appears a last modified date. If the last modified date remains unchanged, then You may presume that no changes have been made since the last modified date. A changed last modified dates indicates that this document has been updated or edited, and the updated or edited version supersedes any prior versions immediately upon posting.

Product Disclaimer: I understand the statements regarding these products have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.

I understand the information on this Web site or in emails is designed for educational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care.

I understand I should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting my doctor. I also understand that Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia is not intended or to be used to treat any type of medical condition.

WARNING: Not intended for use by persons under 18 years of age. Consult a physician before using this product if You have any medical condition including, but not limited to, strokes, high blood pressure, heart, liver, kidney or thyroid disease, diabetes, anemia, depression, anxiety, other psychiatric conditions, a family history of these or other medical conditions, or if taking any prescription, OTC and/or other herbal medications.

“Purchase Option” Specific Terms and Conditions:

Please note that we offer our customers two different options for purchasing our products.

Option #1 is a one-time purchase option whereby you would pay a one time charge for a specific amount of product. You would be charged immediately for your purchase and your product would be shipped within 24 hours. Additionally; you would never receive any future shipments from us, nor be charged ever again unless you contact us to place another order.

Option #2 is a 14 Day Trial Offer purchase option whereby you would pay a small shipping and handling fee immediately for a full 1 month supply. The 14 Day trial offer allows you to defer payment of the product for 14 days while you try the product, and is followed by future shipments and charges for additional products until you cancel your subscription.

In depth details of these 2 options are provided below.

Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia One-Time Purchase Terms and Conditions:

Please take a few minutes to read the following, as by concluding your One-Time Purchase of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia you automatically accept the following terms and conditions.

We are confident you will see the benefits of using our Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia Product. You are taking the next step toward a more fit & healthy you!

Upon concluding your purchase, the credit card you provide will be charged a One-time fee equivalent to the price as quoted related to the package you select. You will always be quoted a complete price inclusive of the product, shipping & handling — and this is the charge that will appear on your credit card. You will only ever be charged the quoted purchase price this one time, and you will never receive any future product or charges from us.

If you feel Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia is not for you for any reason, simply call us within 30 days from the order date to make arrangements for the return the product and our customer service team will provide you with an RMA number and instructions. Please note that bottles must be unopened with the product safety seal intact in order to receive a full refund. Also, please note that there may be a restocking fee as detailed below in the “Refund Policy” section that is applicable for all returns.

Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia 14 day Trial Offer Terms and Conditions:

Please take a few minutes to read the following, as by concluding your purchase of the Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia Trial Offer you automatically accept the following terms and conditions. Please note that this is NOT a risk-free trial offer, since you will be charged for Shipping & Handling at the time of purchase, and may be charged a retention fee of $9.95 if you decide to cancel within the trial period and not return the product.

Upon signing up for your trial offer, the credit card you provide will be charged a Shipping & Handling fee of $4.97 and you will be shipped a 1 month supply of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia. If you contact customer service to terminate your trial within 14 days of the date that you enroll in the Program, you will have the option of either returning the remaining balance of unused product and pay no fee, or keep the remaining unused product and pay a $9.95 retention fee. Either way, you will receive no further shipments and will not be billed again.

If you do not cancel your trial within the 14 day trial period, you will be billed $94.19 for the product. Additionally, you will be automatically enrolled in our auto-shipment and auto-billing program which charges you for a 1 month supply every 30 days starting 30 days after your trial period ends at the low price of $94.19 per month. Thus, if you do not cancel your subscription, you will be billed $94.19 for your original product 14 days after the original order date, and then billed again $94.19 for a new shipment of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia 44 days after your original purchase date. You will be automatically billed and shipped a new product every 30 days until you cancel your subscription. As a bonus for remaining in the auto-shipment and auto-billing program, all shipping and handling fees will be waived and you will only pay the product price of $94.19 per month.

If you feel Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia is not for you, call us at 1-888-564-3218 to cancel within 14 days from the order date to avoid the purchase price of $94.19 and enrollment in the auto-shipment and auto-billing program, which charges you for a 1 month supply every 30 days starting 30 days after your trial period ends, at the low price of $94.19 per month.

PLEASE NOTE:

There is no obligation to continue in any of our programs, and you can cancel at any time by simply contacting a Customer Service Representative at 1-888-564-3218. Your enrollment date is the date that you submit your order for the trial of the product. Orders are shipped within 24 hours Mon.- Saturday, excluding Sundays and USPS holidays in which case your order will be shipped the morning of the next business day. Orders are shipped via USPS First Class Mail with tracking, and actual delivery time of your order will vary by region.

You can cancel your membership in our auto-shipment program and avoid further Monthly Charges at any time by contacting customer service at 1-888-564-3218. Customer service is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with the exception of all major holidays.

Please note results may vary, but with continuous use of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia, we are confident you will see the results you are trying to achieve.

By proceeding with your purchase, you acknowledge and agree that Novel Health, LLC will not obtain additional authorization from you for each future installment of the $94.19 auto-ship program that will be charged to the credit card you provided initially. You agree that as part of the auto-shipment program, Novel Health will ship a new supply every month, and you will be responsible for returning any unused and unopened product in order to receive a refund. In addition, you do not hold Novel Health, LLC responsible for any overdraft charges or fees which you might incur during the ongoing auto-ship program Membership.

All fees are payable in United States currency. For so long as your Membership is active, you will be billed, and you will be required to pay, all applicable charges. Failure to use the Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia Products does not constitute a basis for refusing to pay any of the associated charges. Subject to the conditions set forth herein, you agree to be bound by the Billing Provisions of Novel Health, LLC in effect at any given time. Upon reasonable prior written notice to you (with e-mail sufficing), Novel Health, LLC reserves the right to change its Billing Provisions whenever necessary, in its sole discretion. Continued use of the Site and/or receipt of the Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia Products after receipt of such notice shall constitute consent to any and all such changes; provided, however, that any amendment or modification to the Billing Provisions shall not apply to any charges incurred prior to the applicable amendment or modification.

Novel Health, LLC authorization to provide and bill for the Novel Health, LLC Products is obtained by way of your electronic signature or, where applicable, via physical signature and/or voice affirmation. Once an electronic signature is submitted, this electronic order constitutes an electronic letter of agency. Novel Health, LLCs’ reliance upon your electronic signature was specifically sanctioned and written into law when the Uniform Electronic Transactions Act and the Electronic Signatures in Global and National Transactions Act were enacted in 1999 and 2000, respectively. Both laws specifically preempt all state laws that recognize only paper and handwritten signatures. Where you fail to make any auto-ship program payments, such overdue amounts will be subject to your account being deactivated, in which case no further product will be shipped to you and access to the Membership site will be denied, for non-payment.

Shipping Terms

Upon confirming your order you will be shipped one jar of Ultra-Premium Garcinia Cambogia. Orders are shipped within 24 hours (Monday through Saturday) using our standard USPS First Class shipping method and delivery generally takes as little as 2 to 4 days depending on your geographic location. Please be advised that shipments are not sent on Sundays or any USPS Holidays. Novel Health, LLC does not guarantee specific arrival dates or times.

PLEASE CONTACT CUSTOMER CARE AT 1-888-564-3218 FOR SHIPMENTS NOT RECEIVED WITHIN 5 DAYS. REFUNDS WILL NOT BE ISSUED FOR SHIPMENTS CLAIMED AS UNDELIVERED IF NOT REPORTED WITHIN 14 DAYS. When an incorrect or invalid shipping address is provided at time of order, and Safe Secure Ship has not been purchased, the reshipment will be subject to the retail shipping and handling charge of $12.95(USD).

Contacting Customer Service: You may contact our customer care department at 1-888-564-3218. Customer service is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, with the exception of all major holidays.

IMPORTANT…

1) Please do not return any product to us without first obtaining an RMA number from customer service.

2) If you do not receive your shipment within 5 working days from the date you placed your order, please contact us immediately so we can address the situation appropriately.

Return Address:

Ultra-Premium Garcinia Returns
120 East 8th Street, #301
Los Angeles, CA 90014
USA

Refund Policy

If cancelling before the end of the trial, you must either return balance of product or pay retention fee of $9.95 per product to keep the products and cancel your trial. No retention/restocking fee is charged if product is cancelled and an RMA is issued during trial the period. Please note: In order to avoid the retention fee, the trial must be cancelled and an RMA issued before the end of the trial period. The product then needs to be returned within 30 days of issuing the RMA to avoid the retention fee. For Unopened Non-Trial products (either subscription or straight sale), you can return products for 30 days after purchase date, with a $9.95 restocking fee. Product must be unopened to be returned.

Return Address : Ultra-Premium Garcinia, 120 East 8 th St. #301, Los Angeles, CA 90014

Phone: 888-564-3218

PLEASE NOTE:

1. We refund all cases of fraud and unauthorized transactions inclusive of all shipping and handling charges. Additional refunds are issued at the discretion of the company. Please contact directly at 1-888-564-3218 if you suspect any fraud or unauthorized transactions may have taken place.

2. We reserve the right to replace any damaged products in lieu of refunding them at the discretion of the company.

3. In instances where a refund is warranted and agreed to by the company, customers are restricted to receiving a single refund per product ordered. Multiple refunds for purchases processed in multiple months are not permitted – i.e. We will only consider refunding the most recent months transaction and never multiple past months.

4. We reserve the right to refuse a refund to any customer who repeatedly requests refunds or who, in our judgment, requests refunds in bad faith.

5. In order to request a refund, you must contact Our Customer Service Department at 1-888-564-3218. IN ORDER TO PROCESS A REFUND, ALL RETURNS MUST BE PRE-APPROVED AND ASSIGNED A RETURN MERCHANDISE AUTHORIZATION (RMA) NUMBER. If a refund is warranted, you will be provided with an RMA number and instructions on how to proceed.

6. Once an RMA notice has been issued to you, you will automatically receive an RMA email confirmation and authorization.

7. In order for your refund to be processed, you must include your RMA number in your return package in large and legible print. All returns outside of the trial period are subject to a $9.95 restocking fee.

8. Products must be unopened with the safety seal intact in order to receive a full refund, less the $9.95 restocking fee.

9. We must receive the remaining product back to our fulfillment facility in good condition, and once it is received and the RMA number logged into our systems, a refund will automatically be processed and you will receive an email confirmation that your refund has been processed. Please note that refunds are issued immediately upon processing your return, however, depending on the bank that issued the credit card a refund can take up to thirty (30) days to appear on your credit card statement.

10. Shipping and handling costs are not refundable with the exception of fraud or unauthorized charges.

11. A $9.95 restocking fee is applicable for all returned orders outside of the trial period.

12. You are responsible for any costs incurred to package and safely return the product to our fulfillment facility.

TO BE ELIGIBLE FOR A REFUND, THE ITEM MUST MEET ALL OF THE FOLLOWING CRITERIA:

Product must be unopened and unused with safety seal intact.

Customer has 30 days from the time of purchase to obtain an RMA number for unopened and unused product. After 30 days, the purchase is final and no returns are accepted.

Limit one (1) return per product, per household.

Return can only be made on most current product billing cycle NO EXCEPTIONS.

Return product must be returned to us within thirty (30) days for US orders and (45) days for International orders of the assigned Return Merchandise Authorization (RMA) number.

Customer is responsible for all return shipping costs.

Reversals and Chargebacks

We consider chargebacks and reversals as potential cases of fraudulent use of our services and/or theft of services and as such will be treated. We reserve the right of filing a complaint with the appropriate local and federal authorities to investigate. Be advised that all activity and IP address information is being monitored and that this information may be used in a civil and/or criminal case(s) against a client if there is fraudulent use and or theft of services. IN THE EVENT THAT A REVERSAL OR CHARGEBACK CLAIM IS FILED WITH THE CARDHOLDER™S BANK, REFUND REQUESTS WILL BE DENIED BY OUR RISK MANAGEMENT DEPARTMENT TO PREVENT FRAUDULENT ACTIVITY ATTEMPTING TO OBTAIN MULTIPLE REFUNDS.

Credit Card Declines

In the event a credit card transaction declines, after product has been shipped or received, and you have not exercised your cancellation rights per the terms and conditions, we reserve the right to reprocess the transaction in full. This includes the right to resubmit the charge on or about every seven (7) days from the original declined transaction date and up to three (3) additional attempts thereafter. In the event of subsequent credit card declines, you authorize us to resubmit a reduced amount from one-half (1/2) or one-third (1/3) of the full purchase price until the full amount is obtained.

Contact Customer Care at 1-888-564-3218 if you have additional questions regarding credit card declines.

Damaged or Incorrect items

In the event that your order arrives damaged, or you receive the wrong item, please call our Customer Service Department at 1-888-564-3218 within 48 hours.

We ask that you do not dispose of any damaged products until you contact the Customer Service Department for instructions, as we may require the return of the damaged goods.

In the event of a damaged order, we will ship a replacement order promptly.

If you have ordered incorrectly, we will ship the correct item once we have received the return of the incorrect product.

All damaged orders must be reported within ten (10) business days of delivery.

Damaged orders not reported within ten (10) business days of delivery confirmation cannot be adjusted or credited.

NEGATIVE OPTION CLAUSE

BY PROCEEDING WITH THIS PURCHASE, I UNDERSTAND AND AGREE THAT THIS CONSUMER TRANSACTION INVOLVES A NEGATIVE OPTION, AND THAT I MAY BE LIABLE FOR PAYMENT OF FUTURE GOODS AND SERVICES UNDER THE TERMS OF THIS AGREEMENT FOR $94.19 PER MONTH IF I FAIL TO NOTIFY THE SUPPLIER NOT TO SUPPLY THE GOODS OR SERVICES DESCRIBED.

LIMITATION OF LIABILITY AND DISCLAIMER OF WARRANTY

THE MATERIALS AND PRODUCTS CONTAINED AND OFFERED ON THE WEBSITE ARE PROVIDED AS IS AND WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED. TO THE FULLEST EXTENT PERMISSIBLE PURSUANT TO APPLICABLE LAW, NOVEL HEALTH LLC DISCLAIMS ALL WARRANTIES, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OR OTHER VIOLATIONS OF RIGHTS. IN NO EVENT SHALL NOVEL HEALTH LLC OR ITS OFFICERS, DIRECTORS, SHAREHOLDERS, EMPLOYEES, INDEPENDENT CONTRACTORS, TELECOMMUNICATIONS PROVIDERS, AND AGENTS BE LIABLE FOR ANY INDIRECT, SPECIAL, INCIDENTAL, EXEMPLARY, CONSEQUENTIAL, OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES,UNDER ANY CAUSE OF ACTION WHATSOEVER INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, CONTRACT, TORT, STRICT LIABILITY, WARRANTY, OTHERWISE, FOR ANY CLAIM CAUSE OF ACTION, FEE, EXPENSE, COST, OR LOSS (COLLECIVELY, CLAIMS) ARISING FROM OR RELATED TO THIS AGREEMENT, THE PRIVACY STATEMENT, THE PRODUCTS, OR THE CUSTOMER™S USE OF THE WEBSITE OR ANY PRODUCT. NOVEL HEALTH LLC ASSUMES NO LIABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY ERRORS OR OMISSIONS IN THE CONTENT OF THE WEBSITE, THAT DEFECTS WILL BE CORRECTED, OR THAT ANY Novel Health, LLC WEBSITE OR THE SERVERS THAT MAKE SUCH MATERIALS AVAILABLE ARE FREE OF VIRUSES OR OTHER HARMFUL COMPONENTS; NOVEL HEALTH LLC FURTHER ASSUMES NO LIABILITY OR RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY FAILURES, DELAYS,MALFUNCTIONS, OR INTERRUPTIONS IN THE DELIVERY OF ANY CONTENT CONTAINED ON THE WEBSITE; ANY LOSSES OR DAMAGES ARISING FROM THE USE OF THE CONTENT PROVIDED ON THE WEBSITE; OR ANY CONDUCT BY USERS OF THE WEBSITE, EITHER ONLINE OR OFFLINE. NOVEL HEALTH LLC DOES NOT WARRANT OR MAKE ANY REPRESENTATIONS REGARDING THE USE OR THE RESULTS OF THE USE OF THE MATERIALS ON ANY NOVEL HEALTH LLC WEBSITE IN TERMS OF THEIR CORRECTNESS, ACCURACY, RELIABILITY, OR OTHERWISE. YOU ASSUME THE ENTIRE COST OF ALL NECESSARY SERVICING, REPAIR, OR CORRECTION.

You agree that Novel Health, LLCs’ entire liability for all CLAIMS shall be limited, in the aggregate, to the lesser of (i) USD $500.00, or (ii) the total amount of money You paid to Novel Health, LLC in the one (1) month period immediately preceding the incident on which Your alleged claim is based. This limitation of liability shall apply for all CLAIMS, regardless of whether Novel Health, LLC was aware of or advised in advance of the possibility of damages or such CLAIMS. You understand that this is a significant limitation on your right to sue Company and you should not proceed if you do not agree. The warranties and representations specifically set forth in this agreement are the only warranties and representations with respect to this Agreement, and are in lieu of any and all other warranties, written or oral, express or implied, that may arise either by agreement between the parties hereto or by operation of law, including warranties of merchantability and fitness for a particular purpose. None of these warranties and representations will extend to any third person. Some jurisdictions do not allow the exclusion of certain warranties, so some of the above exclusions may not apply to You.

CONSENT TO RECEIVE EMAILS FROM US

If you sign up via any of our opt-in forms, or make a purchase from any of our websites, we will send you emails anywhere from one to three times a week. These emails can be comprised of order confirmation, shipping confirmation, announcement type emails &/or our newsletter and informational emails that we send out regularly. Typically in our emails you will find relevant information that is related to the purchase you made with us, and the newest tips, tricks, and information related to the products you have purchased. Please remember that if you no longer wish to hear from us, you can simply unsubscribe at any time using the link in the footer of any email that we send you.

REPRESENTATIONS; PRODUCT DISCLAIMERS

Novel Health, LLC is committed to improving the well-being of our customers by providing safe and effective wellness products made with the highest quality ingredients. You understand, however, that Our Products have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration, and Our Products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. The information on this Website or in emails is designed for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for informed medical advice or care.

You understand that You should not use this information to diagnose or treat any health problems or illnesses without consulting Your doctor or physician. You further understand that this Product is not intended for use by persons under 18 years of age. You also understand that the Product is not intended or to be used to treat any type of medical condition such as obesity. You agree that You either have consulted, or will consult, with a physician or doctor before using any of Our Products, particularly if You suffer from any medical condition including, but not limited to, strokes, high blood pressure, heart, liver, kidney or thyroid disease, diabetes, anemia, depression, anxiety, other psychiatric conditions, a family history of these or other medical conditions, or if taking any prescription, OTC and/or other herbal medications, and You agree that you will cease immediately from taking or using Our Products if You experience any ill effects or unintended side effects of any Product. Novel Health, LLC endeavors to provide You with accurate information about Our Products. You understand and agree that the information Novel Health, LLC conveys about or Products and/or the efficacy of Our Products, is obtained from independent third parties such as news agencies, scientific reports, and scientific / research entities (Third Parties). Novel Health, LLC does not warrant or represent that such information is error-free, and Novel Health, LLC does not represent or endorse any Third Parties or the methods that they use to arrive at their conclusions. All Product specifications, performance data, and other information on the Website is for informational and illustrative purposes only, and do not constitute a guarantee or representation that the Products will conform to such specifications or performance data.

Novel Health, LLC does not warrant or represent that Our Products will provide You with any particular benefits, or that Your results will match those of others who consume Our Products. Individual results will vary from person to person, and are dependent on a variety of factors.

By using the Website, You agree to comply with all applicable laws and regulations of the United States. The material provided on the Website is protected by law including, but not limited to, United States copyright and trademark law and international treaties. Novel Health, LLC makes no representation that materials contained in the Website are appropriate or available for use in other locations and access to them from territories where their contents are illegal is prohibited. Those who choose to access the Website from other locations outside the United States do so at their own initiative and are responsible for compliance with applicable local laws.

YOUR REPRESENTATIONS

You hereby represent and warrant that You are age eighteen (18) or older, that You have read this Agreement and thoroughly understand the terms contained in this Agreement, that any Products You purchase from the Website will be used for Your personal, non-commercial use, and that You will not re-sell, re-distribute or export any Product that You order from the Website. You further represent that Novel Health, LLC has the right to rely upon all information provided to Novel Health, LLC by You, and Novel Health, LLC may contact You by email, telephone or postal mail for any purpose, including but not limited to (i) follow-up calls, (ii) customer satisfaction surveys, and (iii) inquiries about any orders You placed, or considered placing, at or through the Website.

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY

The Website and all of its contents including, but not limited to, articles, other text, photographs, illustrations, graphics, product names, designs, logos, and the collection, arrangement, and assembly of all content (collectively, the Intellectual Property) are protected by copyright, trademark, and other laws of the United States, as well as international conventions and the laws of other countries. The Intellectual Property is the exclusive property of Novel Health, LLC or its licensors. No license or ownership rights in or to any of the Intellectual Property are conveyed to You by virtue of this Agreement or by Your purchase of any Product from the Website. The Intellectual Property is protected by the copyright and trademark laws of the United States. Unless otherwise permitted by law, none of the Intellectual Property may be reproduced by You without Novel Health, LLCs prior written permission.

WEBSITE USER CONDUCT AND RESTRICTIONS

You must be 18 years of age or older to access Our Website. As a user of the Website, You agree that in connection with Your use of the Website and the content You will not:

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any content that is unlawful, harmful, threatening, abusive, harassing, tortuous, defamatory, vulgar, obscene, pornographic, libelous, invasive of anyones privacy, hateful, or racially, ethnically, or otherwise objectionable;

– Conduct Yourself in an inappropriate, offensive, indecent, or vulgar manner while using Our service or Website;

– Use the Website for any unlawful purpose;

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any content that You do not have a right to transmit under any law or under contractual or fiduciary relationships (such as inside information, proprietary, and confidential information learned or disclosed as part of employment relationships or under non-disclosure agreements);

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any content that infringes any patent, trademark, trade secret, copyright, or other intellectual property right of any party;

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any unsolicited or unauthorized advertising, promotional materials, junk mail, spam, chain letters, pyramid schemes, or any other form of solicitation;

– Upload, post, email, or otherwise transmit any material that contains software viruses or any other computer code, files, or programs designed to interrupt, destroy, or limit the functionality of any computer software or hardware or telecommunications equipment;

– Interfere with or disrupt the Website, the services, the content or servers or networks connected to the Website, the services or the content, or disobey any requirements, procedures, policies, or regulations of networks connected to the Website, the services, and/or the content, the terms of which are incorporated herein;

– Intentionally or unintentionally violate any applicable local, state, national, or international law.

Without the express prior written authorization of Novel Health, LLC, You may not:

– Duplicate the Website (except as expressly provided elsewhere in this Agreement or as permitted by law);

– Create derivative works based on the Website or any of the Intellectual Property;

– Remove any copyright or other proprietary notices from the Website or any of the Intellectual Property contained therein;

– Frame or utilize any framing techniques in connection with the Website or any of the Intellectual Property;

– Use any meta-tags or any other hidden text using the Website™s name or marks;

– Deep-link to any page of the Website;

– Circumvent any encryption or other security tools used anywhere on the Website (including the theft of user names and passwords or using another persons user name and password in order to gain access to a restricted area of the Website);

– Use any data mining, bots, or similar data gathering and extraction tools on the Website;

– Use any device, software or routine to bypass any operational element or to interfere, or attempt to interfere, with the proper working of the Website, server or activities conducted therein; or,

– Take any action that imposes an unreasonable or disproportionately large load on the Website or its network infrastructure.

TERMINATION OF AGREEMENT

This Agreement shall remain in force as long as You access the Website, use any functions or features of the Website, or order anything from the Website. Novel Health, LLC reserves the right to terminate this Agreement without notice and/or refuse to sell to anyone who Novel Health, LLC believes, in Our sole discretion, (i) has violated any of the terms of this Agreement, (ii) is abusing the Products or the services Novel Health, LLC provides, or (iii) is unable to provide Us with sufficient information to allow Us to properly identify the customer’s real name, address, or other contact information.

LINKS

The Website may provide links to other World Wide Web sites or resources. Novel Health, LLC has not reviewed these websites and is not responsible for the accuracy, content, privacy policies or availability of information found on websites that link to or from any Novel Health, LLC Website. Novel Health, LLC cannot ensure that You will be satisfied with any products or services that You purchase from a third-party site that links to or from any Novel Health, LLC Website or third-party content on our sites. Novel Health, LLC does not endorse any of the merchandise, nor has Novel Health, LLC taken any steps to confirm the accuracy or reliability of any of the information contained in such third-party sites or content. Novel Health, LLC does not make any representations or warranties as to the security of any information (including, without limitation, credit card and other personal information) You might be requested to give any third party, and You hereby irrevocably waive any claim against Novel Health, LLC with respect to such sites and third-party content. Novel Health, LLC strongly encourages You to make whatever investigation You feel necessary or appropriate before proceeding with any online or offline transaction with any of these third parties. Neither Novel Health, LLC nor its affiliates, officers, directors, shareholders, employees, independent contractors, telecommunications providers, or agents shall be liable for any damages, including but not limited to direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, or punitive damages arising out of your use of third-party material or third-party sites that are linked to this Website. No link to the Website may be framed to the extent that such frame contains any sponsorship, advertising, or other commercial text or graphics. All links to the Website must be to www. http://www.upgarcinia.com. Deep linking to internal pages of this Website is expressly prohibited without prior written consent from Novel Health, LLC.

FORCE MAJEURE

Novel Health, LLC shall not be responsible for any failure to perform due to unforeseen circumstances or to causes beyond Our reasonable control, including but not limited to: acts of God, such as fire, flood, earthquakes, hurricanes, tropical storms or other natural disasters; war, riot, arson, embargoes, acts of civil or military authority, or terrorism; strikes, or shortages in transportation, facilities, fuel, energy, labor or materials; failure of the telecommunications or information services infrastructure; hacking, SPAM, or any failure of a computer, server or software, for so long as such event continues to delay Novel Health, LLC™s performance.

INDEMNITY

You agree to defend, indemnify, and hold harmless Novel Health, LLC, its affiliates, officers, directors, shareholders, employees, independent contractors, telecommunications providers, and agents, from and against any and all claims, actions, loss, liabilities, expenses, costs, or demands, including, but not limited to, reasonable legal and accounting fees, which are not limited to Florida™s Statewide Uniform Guidelines For Taxation of Costs in Civil Actions, for all damages directly, indirectly, and/or consequentially resulting or allegedly resulting from Your use, misuse, or inability to use the Website, or Your breach of any of these terms and conditions of this Agreement. We shall promptly notify You by electronic mail of any such claim or suit, and cooperate fully (at Your expense) in the defense of such claim or suit. If we do not hear from You promptly, we reserve the right to defend such claim or suit and seek full recompense from You.

DISPUTE RESOLUTION BY BINDING ARBITRATION

We each agree to first contact each other with any disputes and provide a written description of the problem, all relevant documents/information, and the proposed resolution. You agree to contact Us with disputes by writing to Us at Novel Health, LLC, 1623 Central Ave, Suite 201, Cheyenne WY 82001, USA. We will contact You by letter to Your billing address You provided Us.

Instead Of Suing In Court, We Each Agree To Arbitrate Dispuetes

We each agree to finally settle all disputes (as defined and subject to any specific exceptions below) only by arbitration. In arbitration, there is no judge or jury and review is limited. However, just as a court would, the arbitrator must honor the terms and conditions in this Agreement, the Terms of Use, and the Privacy Statement, and can award the same damages and relief, including any attorney’s fees authorized by law. The arbitrator’s decision and award is final and binding, with some exceptions under the Federal Arbitration Act (FAA), and judgment on the award may be entered in any court with jurisdiction. We also each agree as follows:

Disputes are any claims (including the definition of claims contained in the section Limitation of Liability and Disclaimer of Warranty above) or controversies against each other related in any way to this Agreement, the Terms of Use, the Privacy Statement, or Your purchase and use of the Product. This includes claims You bring against Our affiliates, officers, directors, shareholders, employees, independent contractors, telecommunications providers, or agents or other representatives, or that Novel Health, LLC brings against You.

If either Novel Health, LLC or You wants to arbitrate a dispute, We each agree to send written notice to the other providing a description of the dispute, previous efforts to resolve the dispute, all supporting documents/information, and the proposed resolution. Notice to You will be sent to Your billing address that You provided Us and notice to Us will be sent to: Novel Health, LLC, 1623 Central Ave, Suite 201, Cheyenne, WY 82001, USA. We each agree to make attempts to resolve this dispute within forty-five (45) days of receipt of the notice to arbitrate, then We may submit the dispute to formal arbitration.

The FAA applies to this Agreement and arbitration provision. We each agree that the FAA™s provisions, not state law, govern all questions of whether a dispute is subject to arbitration.

The arbitration will be administered by the National Arbitration Forum (NAF) under its arbitration rules. If any NAF rule conflicts with the terms of this Agreement, the terms of this Agreement apply. You can obtain procedures, rules, and fee information from the NAF at 1-800-474-2371 or http://www.adrforum.com.

Unless We each agree otherwise, the Arbitration will be conducted by a single neutral arbitrator and will take place in the state of Your last billing address. The federal or state law that applies to the Agreement will also apply during the Arbitration.

We each agree not to pursue arbitration on a consolidated or classwide basis. We each agree that any arbitration will be solely between You and Novel Health, LLC (not brought on behalf of or together with another individual’s claim). If for any reason any court or arbitrator hold that this restriction in unconscionable or unenforceable, then this agreement to arbitrate does not apply and the dispute must be brought in court.

We each are responsible for our own costs relating to counsel, experts, and witnesses, as well as any other costs relating to the arbitration. However, Novel Health, LLC will cover any arbitration administrative or filing fee above: (a) $25 if You are seeking less than $1,000 from Novel Health, LLC; or (b) the equivalent court filing fees for a court action in the appropriate jurisdiction if you are seeking $1,000 or more from us.

No Class Actions
TO THE EXTENT ALLOWED BY LAW, WE EACH WAIVE ANY RIGHT TO PURSUE DISPUTES ON A CONSOLIDATED OR CLASSWIDE BASIS; THATIS, TO EITHER JOIN A CLAIM WITH THE CLAIM OF ANY OTHER PERSION OR ENTITY, OR ASSERT A CLAIM IN A REPRESENTATIVE CAPACITYON BEHALF OF ANYONE ELSE IN ANY LAWSUIT, ARBITRATION, OR OTHER PROCEEDING.

No Trial By Jury TO THE EXTENT ALLOWED BY LAW, WE EACH WAIVE ANY RIGHT TO TRIAL BY JURY IN ANY LAWSUIT, ARBITRATION, OR OTHERPROCEEDING.

GOVERNING LAW

You agree that this Agreement and any issue or dispute arising out of or otherwise related to this Agreement or with Your use of our Website, Intellectual Property, the Terms of Use, the Privacy Statement, or any matter concerning Novel Health, LLC shall be governed exclusively by the laws of the State of Wyoming, excluding its conflict of law provisions.

SEVERABILITY

If for any reason a court of competent jurisdiction finds any provision of this Agreement, the Terms of Use, the Privacy Statement, or any portion thereof, to be invalid or unenforceable, that provision will be enforced to the maximum extent permissible and the remainder of the Agreement, the Terms of Use, and the Privacy Statement will continue in full force and effect.

NO WAIVER

No waiver of or by Novel Health, LLC shall be deemed a waiver of any subsequent default of the same provision of this Agreement. If any term, clause or provision hereof is held invalid or unenforceable by a court of competent jurisdiction, such invalidity shall not affect the validity or operation of any other term, clause or provision and such invalid term, clause or provision shall be deemed to be severed from this Agreement.

HEADINGS

All headings are solely for the convenience of reference and shall not affect the meaning, construction or effect of this Agreement.

COMPLETE AGREEMENT

This Agreement constitutes the entire agreement between the parties with respect to Your access and use of the Website and Your ordering and use of the Products, and supersedes and replaces all prior understandings or agreements, written or oral, regarding such subject matters.

MODIFICATIONS OF AGREEMENT

Novel Health, LLC reserves the right to change any of the provisions posted herein and You agree to review these terms and conditions each time You visit the Website. Your continued use of the Website following the posting of any changes to these terms and conditions constitutes Your acceptance of such changes. Novel Health, LLC does not and will not assume any obligation to provide You with notice of any change to this document. Unless accepted by Novel Health, LLC in writing, these terms and conditions may not be amended by You.

Dear Google News, what the hqiz is this?

I’m used to seeing all sorts of spam and junk ads on the internet – not so much since I have ad blockers at work for me, but a lot of the ads on pages are served up in ways that ad blockers don’t identify them as such.

But when I go to Google News, I expect news articles and not clickbait, bayesian-filtered camel ejecta.

Here’s my news feed this morning (click the image for a larger view):

health

Look at the last five items. Obviously computer-generated text with garbage descriptions designed to thwart bayesian filtering. These are not even tagged as obvious advertisements as they should be.

Even though the “sources” show “The Boyne City Gazette” and “The Inland Empire News,” each link takes you via multiple redirects to “topcanadiandrugs24rx,” a scummy outfit probably operating out of India or Eastern Europe.

canada

Click on the “Real Time Coverage” button for the “story” and this is what you get:

realtime

Come on, Google – you can do better than that.

The Old Wolf has Spoken.

The things that go on in the dark

Every now and then a stupendous advertisement comes along that does not annoy the living Tophet out of me, and which I generally remember forever. I’ve mentioned some examples before.

There’s one print ad that I’ve been looking for since, like, forever – and I finally found a copy. The Internet is great – sooner or later, almost anything of interest will pop up.

In 1998, Sony introduced their Handycam with its patented NightShot infrared system, and this was the print ad that publicized the product:

Handycam Infrared Camera Cat Dog Advertisement

Discovering the cat and the dog in an amorous clench made me laugh way too hard since I was no longer a high-school sophomore – at least not chronologically.

The Print Ad titled CAT & DOG was done by Campbell Ewald advertising agency for the product: Handycam Camcorder (brand: Sony) in the United States. It was released in January 1998.

The advertisement hinted at good things to come when you used this feature. Unfortunately for Sony, there were other things about this camera that the developers had not counted on – like being able to see through clothes.

No, not like the X-Ray Specs advertised in the comics…

(For an interesting write-up on the history of these novelties, visit Lee’s Comic Rack, and for more samples of comic book advertising, check out “Kick the chair and gamble a stamp.”)

… but something much closer to reality.

Yes, the NightShot technology, combined with certain kinds of clothing, effectively made that clothing “disappear.”

hqdefault.jpg

Sony recalled about 700,000 cameras and installed a kludge to disable that particular capability, but enterprising people – as enterprising people are wont to do – quickly found ways of making this thing work with just about any Infrared video system. Just Google around if you’re interested.

Technical ramblings aside, I’m happy to have finally found a copy of this ad online. It’s one more thing rattling around in my skull that I can lay to rest.

The Old Wolf has spoken.